I heard we made out
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I enjoy the company of your penis
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