this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize