ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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