My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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