3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
