I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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