I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
