I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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