I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize