Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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