I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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