I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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