Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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