Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Me too!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
