At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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