Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
