Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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