The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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