I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this boner is exhausting
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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