is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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