i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
