my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize