I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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