Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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