Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
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