It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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