I cut my penus on the lid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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