you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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