i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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