I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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