U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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