so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You made out with two different species that night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Drunk is a universal language darling
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize