I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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