On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
