I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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