you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
