WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
