she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
