I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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