I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
