I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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