we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
