hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone signed my nipple.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
