So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just found puke in my bra..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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