Someone shit on the floor
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize