i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
