She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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