my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
