I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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