Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
