You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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