Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Still dying that you shit outside
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