he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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