she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
