her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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