Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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