I heard we made out
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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