Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
