I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
