today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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