I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize