Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
