You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
