I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize