my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
