I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
